Mind Full v. Mindful

If there was ever an image to capture the tension of the mind in this world, it would be this!

As I near the end of having resided in Northern Virginia for one year and been a part of the MFT program with Virginia Tech, I can unashamedly state that I am grateful for this journey toward mindfulness. Many of the thoughts captured in the bubble of the walking man have been the consuming force that has often taken control of my frontal lobe and hijacked my emotional responses. I mean, who wouldn't have a mind full with the list of things since July 2011:

- Resigned from job of 4 years on 7/23
- Find apartment in NOVA
- Move personal/fiancee's belongings to NOVA 8/1
- Leave 2nd job
- Get married 8/8
- Honeymoon 8/10-8/17
- Drive to VA 8/18
- Start Grad School 8/23
- Be unemployed for 7 months
- Balance living on one income
- Get a puppy
- Splitting holidays with 2 families
- Start full-time work while full-time student
- Taxes, Car care, and so on...

To be honest, I almost asked for a white, long sleeve jacket with buckles for Christmas.

I strongly dislike the busyness of my mind. The difficult part is that it's all I've really known since leaving high school. In many ways, I've learned to deal with the mass chaos of thoughts and experiences that take place within the construct of my mind, BUT have neglected in identifying the emotions and responses that accompany these thoughts that have bearing on one's entire being. Disconnected would probably be a good word for it all.

Over the past few days, I've made an effort to reflect on the journey that this past year has been. It was this time last year that the tidal wave of transition began to build momentum, and I could recall moments of only being able to do one thing: breathe. Yesterday afternoon, I sat and took time to reflect upon the experiences of the past year and to begin connecting memories with emotions. As I would attempt to grasp one memory, at least 4 others would slide into view, interrupting my attempt at re-connecting with the experience. The exercise lasted for all of 10 minutes before I was forced to abandon it from it's overwhelming nature.

This morning, however, I decided to take a different approach. Instead of attempting to re-connect with the experiences and emotions of the past, I chose to use the present moment as the blank canvas for which the colors of emotion from those experiences could then be splashed upon. As I sat in silence, it was difficult to orient my mind toward the present. It seemed as if my mind wanted to recall as much detail of events in the past as possible, but with a bit of loving kindness meditation, I was able to reorient myself to the present. As I was able to achieve a greater grasp of the present, I began to experience emotions that were not from the past experiences, but were my reactions to understanding (in the here and now) who I currently am as an individual after having experienced them. As I sat, I could not help but to become filled with feelings of strength, relief, joy, thankfulness, and love for who I had become up to that moment. Maybe it was because the past year was the first to travel with my life-partner, but love for her was the strongest of them all along with the feeling of being loved in return.

I know that it will take many days/weeks/months of mindfulness practice to work on reorganizing the manner in which my mind holds and processes thoughts, but I'm willing to take the journey. Though I am envious of the mindfulness that it appears our four-legged companion experiences in the illustration (*as well as a future post), I believe that my willingness to sit and be mindful for a few minutes each day at least will present the images of tranquility that will whet my appetite for more, and continue to draw into a greater awareness of my life.

In the Beginning...

If there was a purpose to why I have decided to chronicle my journey over the next 31 days (July 2011), it would have to come from the quote hanging in the banner below this blog's title.

"Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you're going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way. " - Stephen Richards

For years, I have found myself teetering on the precipice of the past and future, attempting to understand how the former influences the latter. With all of my attempts at understanding this cosmic equation of time and how it's product is essentially "my life," I have often lost sight of the experiences and moments that make up the here and now. Those moments are generated the instant we breathe, laugh, cry, doubt, believe, move, blink, chew, or remain still. They are the actions that elicit our experiences that then become our past and were foreseen as our future. Yet we lose our opportunities of rich experience because of our mathematical drive to move from Point A to Point B at X-speed. In a sense, we lose portions of our life from the daredevil speeds we chose to accelerate to, missing the landmarks that would otherwise both enrich and help maintain the richness of our journey.

Over five weeks ago, I had little to no understanding of what it means to be mindful. After learning through multiple mediums, including an engagement in daily practices and a full-day retreat, I can see how my life has become more enriched by the opportunities that I took to be present in the midst of both joy and suffering. Through it all, compassion and acceptance began to become the cycle that moved through me just as the breath enters and exits the body. They became life forces. Even though the class is over, my journey has now only just begun as a more independent practitioner of mindfulness, and will continue on as long as its value is maintained.

This blog is to serve as a record of my journey through my continued exploration into mindfulness. Over the next 31 days (all of July 2011), I will provide an account of not only my personal experiences with mindfulness and meditative practices, but also a conglomeration of reflections on the writings of other mindfulness practitioners, resources/websites related to mindfulness, other practices, quotations, and (hopefully) at least one retreat experience. As a student of MFT, it is my goal to also place my reflections within a context of marriage and family therapy practices. These may be applied to either the use of practice in therapy sessions or in the development of the self as therapist.

With compassion, I have set before me a standard of at least 5-6 postings per week with the opportunity to always post more and to post with great variety in content. Please feel free to comment on any of my posts. I would welcome the dialogue in the sharing of experiences and perspectives.

Let the journey begin!