On Suffering

This is the best example of my state-of-mind for this day.

Overwhelmed. Downcast. "Woe is me."

In order to simplify the story (and maintain the feeling), I can summarize it in five words. Here it goes...

I damaged a rental car.

There is nothing more dreadful than causing damage to a car that doesn't belong to you AND that is being paid for my someone else. When the event occurred, I was stunned. I couldn't believe that I did what I had been able to avoid for more than 12 years of driving: an accident. Disbelief, shame, anger, and fear all came as a fire-ball in the midst of the 96 degree heat, to bring me toward the greater challenge: continued suffering of the event within my mind.

For the remainder of the work day, I carried the weight of this event on my mind and in my body as I went from appointment to appointment. Even once I returned to the office, my coworkers tried their hand at reassuring me that this was "common" and that "everyone has at least one incident in their life." But not me. I'm different. I've had close calls before, and even drove in countries where I feared for the safety of the vehicle and myself, but this is ridiculous. My perfect driving streak ends on a clear day, a dry alleyway, and my failure to safely make a turn around a small rock wall. It's stupid, careless, and my fault. I did it to myself.

When I got home earlier this evening after talking to my wife, I began to feel a bit better once she began putting it into perspective. I wasn't hurt. No one else was involved. Damage was relatively minor. It was reported quickly. This made me feel a bit better, but I was still beating myself up about the fact that it happened. I was submitting myself to become a pin cushion filled with the primary and secondary darts of my mind. I was continuing to allow myself to hurt and suffer.

As I sit here now typing the experience of my day for your viewing pleasure, I must confess that I have since spent time in a time of breathing, stretching, and lovingkindness meditation. It was my sense of pride and an unforgiving part of me that was leading me to continually suffer, and I needed to forgive myself for my error. I was safe, healthy, and now needed to be at peace. For myself, pride is the part of my life that leads me to the most suffering. I hold great expectations for myself in all that I do, and I need to learn to take it all with a grain of salt and a bit of laughter. It's true that at some point in my life I would damage a car that I was driving or be in some sort of accident. This day is an opportunity to learn of my reactions, and how I can now be more mindful of how I respond. Hopefully, another experience like this will never have to happen. If it does, hopefully it's not in a rental car.

The next test will be in limiting the suffering once the bill arrives.