Compassion Fatigue

I'm tired, exhausted,wasted, worn-out, lacking, depleted, and downright exasperated.

I have nothing left to give.

I am empty.

These are some of the word/phrases that best illustrate the current state of my compassion externally and internally. Externally, it's been a rough two weeks of work. The compassion that I did have has been given out and returned in bad shape. The good graces that I offered to my clients at work took advantage of those moments, and let me down. My gusto to continue to give it out is severely wounded, and I have found myself loathing the necessity of getting out of bed.
This external compassion fatigue, I believe, is more common for those working in the social services field, relief and development, or in those who have given excessively toward recovery efforts (s.a. Hurricane Katrina, Haiti Earthquake, Japanese Quake/Tsunami). For those individuals, the use of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction are tools that have been found to help in the recovery process for such individuals experiencing this form of "trauma." (See here and here for a couple articles on the application of MBSR w/ Compassion Fatigue).

But what about internal compassion fatigue?
What if I'm fatigued with giving compassion to myself?

In an earlier post, I confessed to how I've consistently been tough on myself for the things that I do and the way that I live. As I've been trying to live now with the incorporation of lovingkindness meditation into the mix of my daily life, I've come to a few points where I haven't wanted to give compassion to myself. Instead, I've wanted to feel bad and inflict "suffering" onto myself because I've wanted to be in the moment, and be upset at others and myself. I want to have my own "pity party," and I want to feel sympathy from others.

I felt as if I hit my breaking point today with all aspects of compassion when I got in the car shaking from the work day. I was so overwhelmed and upset about events in the day that even the STOP technique wasn't helping me to gain perspective in the day. I had no compassion for anyone at that point, and no compassion for myself. I just wanted to feel bad in a way that would make (for some reason) the experience of being discontent more legit. Thinking about it a few hours later, I don't feel that it was good logic.

I guess my big question(s) that I'm working through right now is: "Does mindfulness allow for these moments of declining compassion to oneself? Are there times where personal suffering is considered excusable?"

I guess in a way, one can give compassion to themselves by saying that there is no "No Suffering" rule to create such a stringent approach. In a way, allowing oneself to suffer when they want would be considered OK. Yes? No? What do you think?

Whatever the case is, I feel that my battery needs to be recharged soon for the benefit of myself and others in the near future. Feeling this way is OK in some instances, but shouldn't be a common occurrence. That may turn into an overwhelmingly strong sense of suffering after some time.